I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒