Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude