I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
You Might Also Like
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”