I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
You Might Also Like
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
