I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.