I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
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Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.