I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
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You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Every haunted house movie:
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.