I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that