Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.