Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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happy valentine’s day to me
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Wait a second…
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas