Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
You Might Also Like
January has been Januweary
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop