Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy