i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work