i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
This took me a second..
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child