i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
You Might Also Like
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
If my kids invented a drink.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
A fake ID that makes you younger
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
