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If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.