Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

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Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

*sewing*

A thread

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.