I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*