Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

How your email finds me

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.