Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz