Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

KFC hitting the cannibal market

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

what kind of cook setting is this??

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February