Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

🐠

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.