Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

Jurassic park gets weird

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Europe. Made in Germany.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.