Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

TEETH IS INNOCENT

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

So sick of all these stupid rules