Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

S O O N

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.