Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours