Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

🤣

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.