I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.