I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
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One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Did my cat write this
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.