“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Lmao
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.