Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove