Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.