Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

beware of dog
(jukin media)

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

This is my bus stop.

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”