Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.