“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”