I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Bear knowledge
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter