Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither