Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”