I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.