I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
You Might Also Like
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Wake me when AI does housework
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.