I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Anyone want a chair?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares