“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.