Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

doing your own taxes

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

This was a bad idea all around

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.