I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Who says great literature is dead?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables