I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
linkedin the good parts
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
barbara was highly relatable
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist