I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Room with a view.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.