Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

there’s probably a fee though

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

Cat is stressing him out.