“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
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Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds