Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

I just ran a .003048K

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again