“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Cool shirt 🙂
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious