I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I basically called this earlier today
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99