I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.