I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
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Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
He loved it so much he walked himself up.