Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

When you try jalapeños for the first time

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops