Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.