Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

Super Hand Dog Face

turning my gender off to conserve energy

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.

Store clerk: Scotch?

Me: Even better.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.