I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
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[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
This was a bad idea all around
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
for all #parents out there
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir