I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.