I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
😂🍻
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.