I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
The Sun
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
This is a sub tweet
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!