I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.