I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
At ease
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”