I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
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You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Yup!
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
🤣😂🤣
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon