I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
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Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Ghost costume 😂
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My brain is a bad influence on me
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”