I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.