I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.