I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Proctology is located in A55
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.