I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔


[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now


My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.


I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.


Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”


Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline

Me: Help please

Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out



Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.


I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”