I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I’m going to need a moment here.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit