if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline
Me: Help please
Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out
Me: THIS ISN’T HELPING
Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily