I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Sorry. Not sorry
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT