Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

I know karate and tons of other words.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*