Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with