Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

When I pack too much for a short trip.

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

next question.